Friday, July 2, 2010

Happy Independance Day Weekened

This Sunday marks the 234th birthday of the Untied States of America and to celebrate this occasion I will provide a brief timeline of the dates and events that have made this country what is is today. May we never forget the past so as not to make the same mistakes in the future.

1763 – British military officers sang “Yankee Doodle Dandy” to shame the disheveled, disorganized colonial “Yankees” in the French and Indian War. This backfired however when colonists sang it in mockery after defeating the Lobsterbacks in the US revolution. The song was used once again by confederate soldiers during the war of northern aggression.

July 3, 1776 – The draft of the Declaration of Independence was finished.

July 4, 1776 – The Declaration was adopted and signed by the Second Continental Congress as well as Forest Gump’s Great Great Grandfather…Woody Glenn Gump.

1776-1783 – The British invade the newly independent U.S. but are thwarted by Mel Gibson and his tomahawk throwing skills. The French eventually show up after most of the fighting is over and attempt to take credit for defeat of Charles Cornwallis at Yorktown (aka Old York).

1951 – Gene Kelly attempted to enact revenge on the French by serving as a US spy under the guise of a dancing fool named Jerry Mulligan. However, all of Kelly’s spy work was caught on tape and released as a major motion picture titled “An American in Paris.”

December 25, 1896 – John Philip Sousa composed “Stars and Stripes Forever” put to an old English drinking song, which later became the official march of the USA and required memorization in high school band rehearsals everywhere. The march had the power to inject strong emotion in those who heard it therefore paving the way for Rock ‘N Roll and ultimately Mtv.

July 4, 1996 – As President, Bill Pullman recruits the talents of a drunk crop duster to fight against the threat of extermination imposed by an unnamed alien fleet that has invaded earth and is destroying her cities. His inspiring speech is still heard through VHS players everywhere today:....

“Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. “Mankind.” That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom… Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution… but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: “We will not go quietly into the night!” We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!”

November 19, 2004 – The Declaration of Independence was stolen by Nicholas Cage using the surname Benjamin Gates in an expansive government conspiracy to prove that the free masons were the good guys.

As you can see, we as Americans have a rich heritage of violence, theft, and loud noises. Be an American this July 4 and celebrate by blowing stuff up with fire and creating booming sounds that jolt the continental shelf.

Have fun.... Be Safe.

1 comment:

PhotosbyErich said...

Okay Stew you have OUTDONE yourself with this blog post! I hope you haven't overtaxed your back or your brain coming up with these zingers. They were pure entertainment!

As a matter of fact, the kids and I do plan to celebrate the weekend by blowing stuff up. It's a privilege I don't take for granted either as I grew up in a state that forbid the sale of anything that went bang.

Now that I live south of the Mason-Dixon line I am pretty sure that I can acquire some nitroglycerin and C-4 at one of those circus tent things set up on the side of the road where the junior high aged kids they employ will sell you that stuff... or an AK 47. Whatever.

Joys and Celebration to you!