Myth

Everyone knows someone who knows someone that used to work in a funeral home or moved the dead soldiers during the war. They all have their stories. What seem to be very credible stories indeed. I believed my uncle when he told me his story from World War 2. Then I started working in this business and started to hear the same story from others. Always tweaked just a bit to fit a situation or time period. But always the same story. You know the story. Here's my uncles....

I was helping to move some of the dead soldiers, shipping them back to their families in the states. I had a young man working with me. After moving several, we heard a noise and as we turned the corpse that we had just set down sat right up with a moan. Well, all you saw after that was the bottoms of that young soldiers shoes as he was running out the door. I never saw him again.

The story sounds familiar doesn't it?

Well, I hate to be a kill joy here, but my uncle was embellishing. Before buying a hearse and getting into the hearse leasing business, we worked for several funeral homes doing a service that they call REMOVALS. They are called that because we  are the ones that they call when they need a person picked up from the place of death and brought to the funeral home. We were "removing" the body from the scene. Other than an autopsy or actually embalming the body, it is a pretty disgusting job indeed. We are usually on the scene within an hour or so of the death and if anything is going to happen. It will be to us. If the person really isn't dead, they are going to come around when we pick them up. And let's just say that ALL your muscles relax when you die. So suddenly there is nothing holding yesterdays turkey sandwich in (either end).

Here's the part of the story that is true. Often when someone is laying dead and we pick them up, a breath will come from their lungs and usually will activate the vocal cords and a moan can be heard. Whatever you do, don't breath in at that point because it is rarely a breath you'd like to smell.

I know what your thinking. This is not the brighter side of the grave. This is disgusting. Death is not a pretty thing. But, every person deserves to be treated with the utmost respect even after they are gone. It takes a certain kind of personality to do what we do. And as gross as it may be, we handle each and every person with care. When something disgusting happens, you simply don't show it. Most often, there is family and friends around. They have just experienced the loss of a loved one. The last thing they need is for you to get freaked out because you got some pooh on your gloved hand.

In my eleven years of doing this, I have yet to see someone sit up or raise their arm. Yes, after a few hours the body gets stiff. That's why it's important for us to get them into a reasonable pose quickly. I loved my uncle and all of his stories. But, this is one story that we have to take for it's entertainment purposes only.

I have many stories of my experiences in the removal business. If you are interested in them, please let me know in the comments section of the blog. For you facebookers, you can leave a message here or click over to the blog at http://brightergrave.blogspot.com/ and leave your comments there.

A little sweet tea on a hot day

Another hot one today. Now, having spent the better part of my summers growing up on a farm in Arkansas, I find this weather quite enjoyable. From what I hear, that's not what everyone else in Michigan says. Today, so far it's 93f outside and not a cloud in the sky. From my youth, I know to dress appropriately, don't try to do too much and stay hydrated. So, of course I had a funeral today. I started out in the parking lot directing traffic in my nice black suit then out to the cemetery. Everyone was complaining. I was just thankful that we didn't have snow on the ground and a cold north wind cutting through me. I get enough of those days and still do it with a smile on my face. After the funeral, I came home to some of my favorite flowers of summer in full bloom in the yard. I've always had a thing for daisies. I don't know why.Perhaps it's because after 15 years of trying to grow them, they finally took. This is the second year for these little fellas.

The tiger lilies come from my mother's garden. And like tiger lilies do, they have taken over everywhere. Sometimes we yank them out by the roots just because enough is enough.Then there is these little day lilies. I ordered these from a catalog right after having my house built 16 years ago and mysteriously, they can now be found at most of my neighbors home gardens as well. It's not like I can even notice where they took them from anyway. And I see it as helping to beautify the community.

Even on a day that is over 90 degrees, I love to share my little corner of the universe with everyone. And it just doesn't seem so hot sipping iced tea under the shade of the maple tree that I planted from seed eight years ago and is now over 30 feet tall. Not bad for used up farm land that nothing will grow on.

It's true, it is too hot to do the work that I need to do on the exterior of the house. But, take it from this little half southern boy, "I'll get roundtoit, want yer tea sweet?"

Carnival

Here's one that you just don't see every day.
Being that it is the 3rd of July, there are carnivals and celebrations everywhere. As with most of the funeral homes that I work for, today's is located in the heart of a small town. Usually when I work here, we line up cars in the funeral home lot and anyone not wishing to be in the procession can park in the city lot right on the other side of the building. It's also the lot where boaters will park their trucks and boat trailers while they are out on the water since there is a boat launch right across the street. There is a large waterfront park where you can sit and watch the freighters go by.  When I pulled into town, I noticed all of the rented porta-johns lined up in the park like a bunch of green monsters. I knew then that it was going to be a good one. As I approached the funeral home, I noticed the carnival set up in the parking lot next to the funeral home. People were everywhere. The local lions club was shuttling people from a parking lot over at the high school because there simply was no place to park in town. The funeral home lot was barricaded so we at least had that. I really didn't want to send people on the carnival shuttle that weren't going to the cemetery. Fortunately, most everyone wanted to be in the procession because I really had no place to put them otherwise. The church on the other side of the street was having a rummage sale and the carnival kicked off at 10am. Which was exactly the time that the viewing started for the deceased.

So picture all the noise of a carnival with the rides and the games and the music and laughter on one side of the brick wall of the funeral home. And the quiet peace of a funeral on the other side of the wall. Yeah, not so quiet.

Then, when the service was over, we carried the casket out and placed the lady into the funeral coach. And we proceeded to parade down the street with 30 cars tailing behind in the middle of a carnival.

Upon our arrival at the cemetery (a safe distance away from the noise) we encountered a woman that was visiting her mother's grave. The narrow cemetery lanes caused us to block her in. The cemetery workers had warned her that we were coming and she ignored them. Then was upset that she had to be someplace and could not get out. She proceeded to slam her car door repeatedly during the graveside committal part of our service. As soon as it was over, she started yelling at people to move their cars. Of course she was parked facing the opposite direction as we were so even when a few of our cars did move she still couldn't go anywhere.

Eventually, everyone left to go to the luncheon and the woman was able to go. We lowered the casket, sealed the grave, wiped our brows in disbelief of this crazy day and went home to enjoy a beautiful summer day in a lakeside community.

Happy Independance Day Weekened

This Sunday marks the 234th birthday of the Untied States of America and to celebrate this occasion I will provide a brief timeline of the dates and events that have made this country what is is today. May we never forget the past so as not to make the same mistakes in the future.




1763 – British military officers sang “Yankee Doodle Dandy” to shame the disheveled, disorganized colonial “Yankees” in the French and Indian War. This backfired however when colonists sang it in mockery after defeating the Lobsterbacks in the US revolution. The song was used once again by confederate soldiers during the war of northern aggression.



July 3, 1776 – The draft of the Declaration of Independence was finished.



July 4, 1776 – The Declaration was adopted and signed by the Second Continental Congress as well as Forest Gump’s Great Great Grandfather…Woody Glenn Gump.



1776-1783 – The British invade the newly independent U.S. but are thwarted by Mel Gibson and his tomahawk throwing skills. The French eventually show up after most of the fighting is over and attempt to take credit for defeat of Charles Cornwallis at Yorktown (aka Old York).



1951 – Gene Kelly attempted to enact revenge on the French by serving as a US spy under the guise of a dancing fool named Jerry Mulligan. However, all of Kelly’s spy work was caught on tape and released as a major motion picture titled “An American in Paris.”



December 25, 1896 – John Philip Sousa composed “Stars and Stripes Forever” put to an old English drinking song, which later became the official march of the USA and required memorization in high school band rehearsals everywhere. The march had the power to inject strong emotion in those who heard it therefore paving the way for Rock ‘N Roll and ultimately Mtv.



July 4, 1996 – As President, Bill Pullman recruits the talents of a drunk crop duster to fight against the threat of extermination imposed by an unnamed alien fleet that has invaded earth and is destroying her cities. His inspiring speech is still heard through VHS players everywhere today:....



“Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. “Mankind.” That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom… Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution… but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: “We will not go quietly into the night!” We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!”



November 19, 2004 – The Declaration of Independence was stolen by Nicholas Cage using the surname Benjamin Gates in an expansive government conspiracy to prove that the free masons were the good guys.



As you can see, we as Americans have a rich heritage of violence, theft, and loud noises. Be an American this July 4 and celebrate by blowing stuff up with fire and creating booming sounds that jolt the continental shelf.

Have fun.... Be Safe.