Wednesday, April 13, 2011

My first love

Here it is, day three. The challenge calls for me to reveal my first love. This would normally be a chance for me to stray from the idea of the challenge and talk about my love of design or travel. I'm not going to do that to you though. I know that it would be more appropriate for me to be honest here and write about my torment.

Growing up in the Pentecostal Church, I was always trying to do what I was supposed to do. I loved my God, family and church. I wanted with all my heart to be normal. I wanted to want the same things as my friends. The torment came from the fact that all of it was very forced. I never gave a thought to the fact that I might be gay. I thought maybe it just hadn't happened for me yet. Even as I progressed through high school and into college, I was still waiting to find that girl that fit me. Looking for that girl that I wanted to be with. I was realistic in the fact that I wasn't looking for the perfect 10 or anything like that. I only wanted a nice girl  I could be with and spend my life with. My religion even kept me from any kind of sexual encounters. And any dates I went on, I used my religion as a reason for not going there.

It got to the point that instead of dating, I dived into my career. By not being coupled, I was able to travel at will or move from town to town without any worries of disrupting family dynamics of children's school and work for my spouse. My company loved the fact that they could call on me to go anywhere and I'd be there without hesitation. And I thought that I loved it too. Honestly, I think I did.

But then it happened. I met a young man that found himself needing a place to live. Having had many roommates in the past and an extra room in my new house, I took him in. It didn't happen right away but more and more over time, we became inseparable. We both continued to date girls, but I found that my desire to spend time with him was stronger than anything else in my life. I started calling him  about everything that happened and couldn't wait to get home.  My company sold and started to make cutbacks. I ended up losing my job and working two part time jobs, making half the money that I used to. By not having the job that I had put so much into, I felt lost and started to realize what was really going on in my head. So one night, I came out to him. His response was very positive. He even encouraged me to go online and see who else might be in my kind of situation. I instantly found the man who would become my husband.

My roommate has since gone on to marry a very nice woman that he seems to fit very well with. And I have married the man of my dreams. But I will always remember my best friend and x-roommate as my first love.


That corgi :) said...

I've read a lot of other people's 30-day blog challenge like you are doing and a lot of people when answering this question go back to their elementary school years with their first love; I appreciate your honesty with answering this question with a heart felt answer that made an impact on your life with this love. (I hope this made sense what I said)


Stew said...

Thanks Betty for your comments. They mean a lot to me. I'm trying to really explore my feelings with these questions. Hopefully, I will discover new exciting things to blog about through this experiment. And your comment made perfect sense.

Jim said...

You are baring your soul and I am sure you will reap the benefits Stew. Funny, that's how I first realized I was gay when I fell for or had feelings for straight men.

sophie...^5 said...

Falling for/crush for a straight man is so exhilerating....we've all gone through it or will go through it. When you have feelings and don't know where they are coming from...well...this is all part of the learning curve for so many of us.